The Mountains Win Again

#TBT a day late.

This one comes to you from 1994. Do you remember what you were doing then?

It was a year of transition for me. 94′ was a year that sort of redefined my life. I had left the Navy and began searching for what was next. I was in neutral. But, we are never truly in neutral, are we? Nevertheless, here I was, 23 years old, single, and seemingly invincible.

I was full of imagination, ideas about how to change the world. Yet, I still lacked a certain compass. I had demons that I kept at bay and I was just fast enough to think I was fully in control. With that bloated sense of strength and intelligence, that ego, I moved through life very fast indeed. Still, I had no real sense of where I was headed. 1994 was the last year of my adolescence in a way. Because in 1995, I became a father.

There is nothing on this earth to give you a sense of your own true north, a sense of direction and purpose, a true destination if you will, than becoming a parent. That purpose and sense of direction has repeatedly saved me from augering in more times than I can count.

Then, I met the love of my life and had three more children. Talk about motivation, purpose, inspiration, hope, joy, love, peace, and all things good and wonderful in life. Holy shit, I am a lucky SOB.

And yet…

There are still demons that chase me. In fact, they have caught me more than once. They caught me again recently. When they do, it’s like they are mountains of pain and darkness that cast a shadow over everything good in life and place themselves between that goodness and me. I become sysyphus pushing the boulder up the hill knowing if I can get it to the top, all the love and joy is on the other side of the mountain waiting for me.

But, like sysyphus

I keep falling down and losing control of that big rock just before the apex.

And so it has happened again. The rock came crashing down with me along with it. The mountains win again.

Depression is a shit deal. Add that to chronic pain and other serious health issues and you have yourself, as doctor Ian Malcom in Jurassic Park put it, “one big pile of shit!” I just love a good movie quote, don’t you?

As I lay here in my hospital bed recovering from yet another physical setback, I realize no matter how hard I try, there are some things in life I cannot control. You can’t push on the ocean and you can’t move mountains. And You Don’t Mess Around With Jim.

But I sure can start pushing that boulder back up.

Now here is the big reveal, the profound message that struck me. The mountains aren’t real. The boulder is my own burden. It is my own delusion that was born from my own mind. Oh, my health issues are as real as they get. But they are not barriers keeping me from joy and love that seem to be on the other side of the mountain range. No, the boulder, the mountains, and all the other things that cast shadows on me are just my mind, my pain, my depression, my fears, and even my vanity.

I have been struggling to write for many months. Writing is my therapy and one of my greatest weapons/tools to counter the confusion and darkness. I have had this growing collection of incomplete garbled scribbling I am calling, The Struggle, The Scars, And The Silver Lining.

This hospital stay is, well, part of the silver lining. This experience, while very difficult and traumatic, has also been an amazing breakthrough. I have been reminded that God is very much active in our lives and works through people, and everything that surrounds us. I have been awakened from the coma in which my demons have kept me captive.

The fog has been lifted and the power of clarity is once again my saving grace, my silver lining.

No matter how dark it gets, no matter how tall and menacing your mountains are, and no matter how heavy your boulder of burden may seem, the truth is you are not alone. The truth is all those loved ones, all that joy on the far side of the mountains, they are all with you right where you are.

There is no mountain. And, no matter how tough life can be, no matter how big that pile of shit may get, you are not alone, ever.

I am looking forward to sharing the story with you. I am hopeful. I am up off the mat and ready to fight again. And I know the truth.

We are all connected. Life is love.

So, be love. Be kind.

AND, since life is better with a soundtrack, here is your #TBT, a day late as usual, coming from 1994, Blues Traveler, The Mountains Win Again (but we know that’s bullshit).

#kindness #purposefulkindness #drivingawaydepression #WhatAWonderfulWorld #hope #peace #joy #love #streetlights #grace #TheKindnessClub #lifeisbetterwithasoundtrack #weareallconnected #findingjoy
#AllMyEmptySpaces
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