#TBT All My Empty Spaces

Ok im back. So lets see now, where were we?

I have been quiet and away from this space for awhile. I thought that I needed to be in a different mindset to post anything. Maybe a bit less confused, sad, and angry. Maybe a bit more “use my inside voice,” he said in a mocking tone. Maybe, a bit kinder. Maybe a bit more positive in the message.

Buuuut then I said fuck it. If I’m ugly, I’m ugly. I reminded myself, once again, that I heal the most when I write. I push back my demons when I write. And, I have much to say.

Actually, I’ve written quite a bit over the last 2 years of our collective misery. But I haven’t found the way to connect the dots, to make it all come together in a way that makes sense. There are too many gaps and holes in my process and thoughts. It turns out, that’s because my life has been very inconsistent. So, I have finally figured out what to do. I have chosen to focus on the gaps and inconsistencies of my journey over the last couple of years, all my empty spaces. And, there are many. At least this will be a way to get back into the flow.

Perhaps we can find some peace. Perhaps we can refocus on hope and joy. I know I am not the only one who has found those qualities elusive.

So let’s get it out there, the good the bad and the ugly. I know we are in the advent calendar, so my music choice for TBT might oughta be something more in the spirit. But, most of this year I have been away from regular posting.  I have been in this writer’s slump.  I have struggled to know which way is up. The world has been confusing, harsh, and even a bit surreal.

Life can hurt. Life can deliver devastation to those who you might think deserve it the least. You become certain the sky is falling at some point. But that seems like tragedy from natural disasters, or traumatic accidents. The real hurtful and devastating stuff is what we do to each other. That which breaks my heart the most is seeing kindness and love crushed by the darkness of anger, selfishness, jealousy, and so many other harmful flaws in our human nature…

Not to mention, stupidity. Pain and anger are extreme power zappers. They will leave us in a fog; a dark and smelly fog of (insert your own expletive).

Whenever I need to clear my head or think through some things, I drive. Although, my metaphoric road has been filled with brake lights in front of me on most days. Still trying to find the warm and fuzzy parts of the journey.

I find myself wondering things like, is the beginning of the end, the middle? Is there a way to reverse the slow unraveling? Do we find joy or create it?

Psalms 30:5 says, “Weeping may endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning.” Unfortunately that does not literally mean we will weep through the night and tomorrow everything will be ok. But instead it assures us that there WILL be a time of joy even in the midst of our trials.

I am going to do more driving. I am going to get back to writing and posting often.  It is time to take back control and get back to hope and joy. It is time to refocus on kindness and serving others. It is time to mend fences and forgive. It is also time to goto bed. I worked the midnight shift and as the sun rises, I need to sleep.

This will be a process. Perhaps we can  drive together for awhile and heal together. Our path will become clear under streetlights until the sun rises. But for now…

Be love. Be kind. We are truly all connected. Oh, and life is much much better with a soundtrack.

Today’s #TBT song comes from August 23rd, 1982 (which was a Monday, not a Thursday).  It was written and released by Golden Earring, specifically the band’s guitarist George Kooymans, who got the inspiration from a book by Robert Ludlum, The Bourne Identity. “Twilight Zone” appears on their 1982 album Cut and pays tribute to the 1960s television series The Twilight Zone

It also happens to be my state of mind these days.

“Somewhere in a lonely hotel room there’s a guy
Starting to realize that eternal fate has turned its back on him
It’s two A.M.”

“It’s two A.M. (It’s two A.M.)
Fear is gone (fear is gone)
I’m sitting here waiting
The Gun still warm (the gun still warm)
Maybe my connection is tired of taking chances

Yeah, there’s a storm on the loose
Sirens in my head
Wrapped up in silence, all circuits are dead
Cannot decode, my whole life spins into a frenzy

Help, I’m steppin’ into the twilight zone
Place is a madhouse, feels like being cold
My beacon’s been moved under moon and star
Where am I to go now that I’ve gone too far? (Oh oh oh)
So you will come to know
When the bullet hits the bone
So you will come to know
When the bullet hits the bone

I’m fallin’ down a spiral, destination unknown
Double crossed messenger, all alone
Can’t get no connection, can’t get through
Where are you?

Well the night weighs heavy on his guilty mind
This far from the borderline
When the hitman comes
He knows damn well he has been cheated

And he says
Help, I’m steppin’ into the twilight zone
Place is a madhouse, feels like being cold
My beacon’s been moved under moon and star
Where am I to go now that I’ve gone too far? (Oh oh oh)
So you will come to know
When the bullet hits the bone”

#kindness #purposefulkindness #drivingawaydepression #WhatAWonderfulWorld #hope #peace #joy #love #streetlights #grace #TheKindnessClub #lifeisbetterwithasoundtrack #weareallconnected #findingjoy

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