October is my favorite month of the year. I love the changes in colors and the cooler air. I feel more alive. But with that fresh picked joy comes some intense emotion and anxiety. It’s the same every year. I feel greater joy and greater anti-joy at the same time.

There is a powerful connection with the beauty of the world, of life, that is heightened in this transitional time of the year. Its truly a wonderful thing. And, it happens all throughout the day.

A cool breeze on a bright sunny day.

A colorful scattering of leaves below a giant oak tree.

A song on the radio that perfectly sets the tone for driving along a scenic 2 lane country road with more of those colorful leaves swirling under the tires of my car.

In these little moments throughout the day, I am continually injected with joy and wonder.
It makes me want to reach out to people, to reconnect. It inspires me to live in the moment while simultaneously sparks a raging fire of dreams and ideas. Even a rainy day like today makes me feel alive. There’s just no better month than October, if you ask me.

That’s the upside.

The downside is, along with all of the wonder comes the darkness, the anxiety. I feel an avalanche of sadness, a rush of memories, and a full spectrum of emotions. Then comes the second guessing and wondering about all those decisions through life, if they were good or bad. Did I live my life as best as I could and am I living it now as good and purposeful as I can be?

This intense battle always ends the same way. I settle into a fog of confusion and exhaustion and I usually camp out there for a week or two.

One of the biggest obstacles of living with depression is the constant attacks on my own self-worth and the questioning, the constant questioning of my purpose in life.

Pattern disrupted.

This year is a little different. I have already been in the fog of darkness and confusion for months. I got hit head on and sideways with some pretty awful stuff. That is definitely what has been keeping me from writing, until now. This year, October appears to be the month of my salvation. The fog is clearing.
The light is flickering, struggling to come on. I am still here. I’m still struggling, but alive and kicking.

I started this on a rainy Monday. I am finishing up on Tuesday after a stormy night. We lost power for several hours.

So as I go back to square one, here is my Monday message to all…

Be angry. But be compassionate.

Be opinionated. But be educated.

Dream. Don’t ever stop dreaming. But be present.

Be spontaneous. But don’t be reckless.

Be the light, the bright star, the flame. But don’t burn out.

Find your balance.

Most of all,

Be love. Be kind.

We are all connected, ya know.

Life is better with a soundtrack!

So here are a couple of songs to start the week out. Stormy Monday seemed appropriate. The second one is from the musical, La La Land. I have to admit, I really loved that movie. Emma Stone’s “Audition” really spoke to me this week.
What did it say, you ask? 🙂🎶
You tell me. These are the lyrics that stirred in me. What does it say to you? Have you done any dreaming lately? Have you done any living?

“Leapt, without looking
And tumbled into the Seine
The water was freezing
She spent a month sneezing
But said she would do it again

Here’s to the ones who dream
Foolish as they may seem
Here’s to the hearts that ache
Here’s to the mess we make”

#kindness #purposefulkindness #drivingawaydepression #WhatAWonderfulWorld #hope #peace #joy #love #streetlights #grace #TheKindnessClub #lifeisbetterwithasoundtrack #weareallconnected #findingjoy
#AllMyEmptySpaces
#StreetLightsOnASaturdayNight